Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.