Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   Just found out my attic is full of cotton candy!!!

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   To find Waldo, you must first find yourself