Funny Status Messages

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much.

   If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?

   A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #

   alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

   Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.

   I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

   If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable.

   Got a dashcam, so am all set for the next meteorite.

   This Repressed Childhood Memory Foam mattress isn't providing any kind of comfort.

   I feel like my dogs version of porn is watching me eat chicken.