Funny Status Messages
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Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor. 
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...
Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…
One of my buddies is a teacher in a primarily black neighbourhood. Yesterday he asked his young class what sound a pig makes? One kid says "Freeze, It's the police"! Kids say the darndest things!
Being swallowed by a sinkhole is a bad way to start the day. At least he gets to avoid the sequester...
Sequester Day 1. Sarasota, Florida. Lights still turn on, my shower had hot water, no rioting yet. I'm secure in my bunker. Rations inventoried. Locked & loaded...... God help us
if the Sequester lasts too long, politicians will have to furlow their hookers...
Who needs beer goggles - I've got vodka binoculars.
People who say "like a boss" obviously don’t know what they are talking about because a typical boss does things half assed and incorrectly, only to turn around and blame others.
JustinBieber Happy birthday! As a true Belieber, I'll celebrate this day by blasting your songs in my car & driving myself off a cliff.
Those aren't butterflies, honey; that's gas. Go burp & get over him.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only guy wearing a thong with Jesus' face on the crotch.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones. 