SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   "Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.