Sean Funny Status Messages

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.