Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   I managed to use the chainsaw all afternoon without killing myself. I haven't seen my wife this disappointed since our wedding night.

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.

   Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.

   Funny how you can make friends with people just by liking and commenting on their Facebook posts. Then you show up unannounced in the middle of the night at their house and SUDDENLY IT'S WEIRD.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   I've been watching so much p 0rn I just spit on my car trunk's lock before I put the key in.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.