Aaron Funny Status Messages

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.