SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   Starbucks has the best coffee of any homeless shelter I've ever been to.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.