SEAN Funny Status Messages

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::