Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed

   My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.