Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.

   fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.