aaron Funny Status Messages

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   Honey I Shrunk The Kids And The Dog Has Worms So I Put The Kids In His Bum And Gave Them Knives To Go Worm Hunting

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   Stop the world, I want to get off!

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.