SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...