LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   If life were more like a movie, we'd all be dead after about 90 minutes.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?