CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   Kanye: Hey baby you wanna role play? Kim: Sure, that sounds super hot! Kanye: Ok, you be Kanye West

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   People leave, so I keep their voodoo dolls.

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Side chicks are always more excited about Valentine's Day than everyone else because for them, its as close as they will ever get to a wedding.

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.

   I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.

   why do chickens wake up so early? it’s not like they have a job or go to school. all they do all day is just walk around eating and sh*tting.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   I overheard an old dude at the bar tell the bartender not to put ice in his drink because 'you'll bruise the scotch' Changed my life.

   I just saw a man reading a book, so I'm basically an archeologist now.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   Well I don't want to date anyone that's ugly, but I also don't want to date anyone that's stupid. So I'm single.

   There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.