Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   "... okay, if it's a girl, we'll name her Serena Williams but if it's a boy we'll call him, Serena Williams..."

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?

   We found the Gates of Hell? Why were we looking for those? Doesn't searching for the cure of cancer matter anymore?

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.

   there's a difference between a country girl and some slut with a hat

   I'm a proud and satisfied user of the doggie-style technique!