Funny Status Messages

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   She broke my heart I broke her iPhone. Imagine who cried more?

   Who are we? ... men What do we want?... anything that's left over honey When do we want it? I'll take it myself honey.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for.Told him "Obama care".

   Paula Broadwell, General Petraeus' biographer, has been hired to write Bill Clinton's biography. Bill can't wait.

   Just dropped and cracked my iPhone. Obviously that's a sign that God wants me to upgrade.

   Why can't I just win the stupid lottery already?

   Forget about walking the talk and talking the walk; it's time to drink the drink.

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "SAVE TREES" on them.

   Dear Lord; On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.

   I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!

   Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.

   When my girlfriend's football team wins it makes her horny, so I just keep replaying the one time they did. I'm not stupid.

   Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.

   When a girl says she wants to feel special, DON'T buy her a helmet

   I'll cuddle or spoon with you, but I'm not gonna promise or guarantee that I won't get an erection.