Funny Status Messages

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   what do you expect from a species that quotes Marilyn Monroe?

   You say stalker, I say dedicated. You say psycho, I say nothing says I love you like a severed cat head.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.

   Well behaved women rarely make browser history.

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   It's National Stomach Ache Day.

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   It's not cheating if she's there too.