Funny Status Messages

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.

   If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.

   If Donald Trump combs his hair back live on TV facing the camera, I'll send a check for $5 to any "Hair Club For Men" chapter of his choice....

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   I say we start with UNDENIABLE proof that Donald Trump is not a reptilian overlord.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.

   I'm going as drunk homeless girl for Halloween, because no costume needed and I can pass out on the neighbors lawn with no questions asked.