Sean Funny Status Messages

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   When I was growing up mom would wake up early to cut my crust off my sandwhich before I went to school, crust was my favorite part- she really hated me....

   There's a person out there for everyone, but for some women that person is 6 cats....

   The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line...

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..