SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   Thought I was watching a commercial for Grand Theft Auto 5... Turns out I was watching CNN's reporting on Ferguson riots...

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.