Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

   Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

   He who is humble is not stressed by the superiority complex of fools around him.

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.

   Bears are just men who were abandoned by their wives and haven't shaved since then.

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   R.I.P to my normal sleeping pattern during this festive season.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from Social Media.

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.