Funny Status Messages

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   Partying, YOLO. Forever alone, SOLO. Marco, POLO. Condom broke, OHNO. You like men, HOMO. B!tches be crazy, FOSHO. Run bro run!, POPO.

   Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   the sun can kiss the moon goodbye, a flower can kiss a butterfly, wine can kiss a frosted glass and you my friend can kiss my arse

   Hand a man a jump rope and I will tell you if he is a sissy or not.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   Happy labor day to all the moms out there....oh, you mean that's not what it means?

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it.

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Fast food restaurants are being forced to do away with their "Play Places" because it has become too expensive to employ the army of Structural Engineers required to keep up with the skyrocketing weight of today's children.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"