Funny Status Messages

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   Some women say that giving birth is the single most painful experience one could ever endure.... I just going to assume they have never stepped on a lego in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see

   Girls are so cute when they think that those fake eye lashes don't make them look like complete idiots

   What do you get if you cross a dog, a mini skirt & crotchless pants? I know I'd get an erection & it's a safe bet the dog's getting it too.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

   When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.

   Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number

   She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.

   Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!

   I blame poor bus stop signage for at least half of my solicitation arrests.

   If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

   Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.

   My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach

   I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.