Funny Status Messages

   the economy is so bad, that hookers are now giving away toasters.

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Did you guys know that the little boy from Panic Room was Kristen Stewart? Mind? BLOWN.

   You complement someone on her sexy adams apple and suddenly you are deleted and blocked.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.

   It'd be so much easier if you ladies wore @nal beads as necklaces, that way we would know up front you like ass play.

   Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.

   Babe, you're my bucket list.

   The guy who plotted for 18 years to kill his wife, obviously could have done with a little help from his wife to plan that sh!t.

   Nobody has enough cargo to need those pants.

   Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

   Kristen Stewart has the same face expression I have everytime I check in a hotel with no wifi

   I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time.

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.