lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.

   2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?