SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Ross Perot!

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   I wish there was a way to convert my skill at playing drums on the steering wheel into friends or happiness.

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.