SEAN Funny Status Messages

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   Here's hoping the wind at your back doesn't come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.