Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.

   I wished I loved anything as much as white folks love saying "gracias" in Mexican restaurants.

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.

   Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.