Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.

   if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   Every time I make a new friend. They seem to figure out a way to escape from my basement.

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.