sean Funny Status Messages

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days

   the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see. 

   I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?