paulb808 Funny Status Messages

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

   after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up