mike Funny Status Messages

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   Halo 4 comes out on election day? I hope my wife tells me who won the election....i'll be busy for the next week or so!

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   So, which Pope is your favorite going into the combine?

   Dennis Rodman now has more international relations experience than most of Congress. Let that sink in for a minute.

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   I hope Manti's girlfriend likes San Diego.

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.