jake Funny Status Messages

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.