Y.P Funny Status Messages

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...

   -- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   - I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   - I can't believe we only managed a draw against a sh*t team we should easily have beaten........I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.....

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   - I just don't like the look of my hands.....That's why I always keep them at arms length.