Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.