JEBI Funny Status Messages

   Friends don't let friends make 'Harlem Shake' videos...

   I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'

   My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today...

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)

   Women are like roads. They will take you to new places, they have beautiful curves, and I'm probably going to drive my car onto one soon.

   If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA...

   I just tried on a pair of skinny jeans and accidentally got my balls caught in the zipper and now I know the words to every Bruno Mars song....

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my p eni$."