Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.