Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   "That's what" -She

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.