@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them