SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.