Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?