Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.

   Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".