Funny Status Messages

   I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   "Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.

   Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches and hoes.

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.

   Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

   Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"

   Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

   If my love, honesty, and loyalty aren't good enough for you...the guy in line behind you would love for you to move on.

   Single, taken, in a relationship; are all just terms. Your status is measured by your actions.

   Three words that can really really  crush a mans pride. "Is it in"?

   Why do people put their relationship status as " its complicated "??  We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.

   Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

   Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.