Funny Status Messages

   How the hell do you look important walking around a clipboard factory?

   "Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"

   Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead.

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.

   If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   Oh you got "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald's.

   You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.

   My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you