Sean Funny Status Messages

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.