Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   sometimes instead of poking you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend".

   John Gruden took my 4th grade picture to his Great Clips stylist.

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?

   If you need an assault rifle with 30, 50, or 90 round clips to protect yourself maybe you just suck at protecting yourself.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids