CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   “You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"

   The D matters very little if you can't give her the O.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.