Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   Here is my new idea. In the express lane, once the cashier rings up 1 item too many, 50 pounds of pig sh!t falls on the customer.

   Darth Vader's #1 song on hid iPod ... every breath you take ...

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

   Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   I remember whe a bathroom mirror was for brushing your teeth and picking zits , now it's for "duck" shots !!! Technology is awesome !!!

   Facebook...Where people present themselves as up and coming stars, yet no one, including 99% of the people on their friends list ever heard of them.

   Like if you remember ... TONIGHT let it be Lowenbrau !!

   An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...

   Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.